I was thinking about the game Monopoly, you know the game that was initially conceived to highlight how terrible capitalism is? I realized that the game has, built into its core ruleset, the idea of universal basic income. Pass go, collect 200 dollars. Well, as a staunch capitalist that believes in real freedom that won’t do at all. I’ve gone ahead and added/changed a bunch of rules to the Monopoly game to reflect the true paradise we live in here in ‘Murica!
1. At the start of each game each player rolls a d6 (six sided die) three(3) times. Each roll that’s a three(3) or below results in gaining a minority status (PoC, LGBTQ+, non-neurotypical, immigrant, etc). Each minority status halves(1/2) your starting funds (to a possible total of getting only one eight(1/8) your initial funds). Round down. Don’t like it, make better choices.
2. Only collect two hundred(200) dollars when you pass ‘Go’ if your total assets are at least five thousand(5000) dollars. (This includes cash on hand, property, and houses and hotels at initial listed cost). Because we can’t be giving money to people who have proven they can’t spend it properly.
3. Each round you spend in jail you must pay fifty(50) dollars to the player with the highest net worth (including cash on had, properties, houses and hotels, at initial listed cost). That way we can make sure you’re still a productive member of society while you pay your debt to society.
4. If you’ve been in jail you may not purchase any more properties. Because you’ve been in jail, you’re a filthy criminal and you’d probably just turn viable land into a strip bars and crackhouses.
5. Any player may pay one thousand(1000) dollars in lieu of going to jail. Otherwise we’d be jailing legitimate businessmen. We can’t have that.
6. Owing any debt will result in being sent to jail. Players with outstanding debt may not leave jail until the debt is resolved, including any debt owned to the player with the highest net worth for being in jail. Don’t worry though, you can still conduct business in jail, so it’s totally fair.
7. There is no ‘Free Parking’, nothing in life is free. ‘Free Parking’ has been replaced with a second “Go directly to jail” space.
8. Each round the player with the highest net worth may introduce a new rule. Suggestions are: forcing other players to give them money, changing the rent values of any property (including those of other players), introducing ‘tax’ to be paid yearly by players who meet various criteria to players who meet a different set criteria, or altering the “Chance” and “Community Chest” cards/decks. These are just suggestions though. Clearly as the player with the most money you are the wisest, smartest, strongest, and sexiest of the players. Whatever you choose is bound to be better for the overall enjoyment of the game for everyone.
9. The player with the second highest net worth may consult, offer opinions to, or otherwise attempt to influence the player with the highest net worth during rule making. All other players must shut the fuck up and think about how worthless they are for not having as much money, as well thinking about how the choices they made in the game lead them to this miserable state.
10. Rolling doubles no longer results in rolling again, or going to jail. Simply move the required spaces and pass the dice to the next player for their turn.