Ben Hsu

Blog · Essay · Political

If I Were Satan

Behold, the face of evil! Even now she’s planning on waking me up at 5am for pets and snuggles!

The common interpretation of Satan is that he is the ultimate incarnation of evil, the baddest of the bad. As the cosmic representation of sin and evil he goes beyond comprehension of us mere mortals. Whatever awful, sickening, mind warping atrocities anyone can imagine, Satan has done it, and worse. Personally, I don’t think this idea makes much sense. Why would an all powerful, loving God allow for such a thing to happen? I think the whole thing was planned between the two of them, a kind of transcendental “Cat’s Cradle” situation. There’s an adversary to test humanity, God gets to reward those who pass the test, and Satan is down in Hell doing God’s work of punishing sinners and leading them to redemption. Wouldn’t a loving God allow his creations a chance at redemption, a chance to learn and change? But I digress, this isn’t about my interpretation of Satan, it’s about the Satan that the loud mouthed, gatekeeping, xenophobic, Christian wannabes keep shouting about, the one that’s pure, unadulterated evil.

Let’s assume they’re right. Satan does exist and he is the very concept of evil given form and thought. If that’s the case, here’s the most evil thing I can think of as a mere mortal. The ultimate plan of what I would do if I were Satan:


Step 1:

Head over to Earth and get all cozy with some influential/charismatic people that are inherently greedy and/or afraid of things they don’t understand.


Step 2:

Show them a ‘looser’ interpretation of certain bible passages that justify their fear, greed, and hatred.


Step 3:

Help them spread the ‘word of god’ amongst those who would blindly and zealously follows anyone who claims to work for God.


Step 4:

Sit back and relax as millions upon millions of people damn themselves because “God Hates Fags,” “Abortion is Murder,” and “Your Country is Full.”


Now, as I’ve stated, I’m a mere mortal. Satan has probably done this, and worse. Why show up being a giant, flaming goat or whatever, when he can prey on human fear and weakness and get them to damn themselves? So if you’re a proper Christian, next time you come across a bunch of assholes protesting a Planned Parenthood or an openly gay celebrity, slap them upside the head and let them know they’re not doing God’s Work, they’re doing Satan’s work. And then show them what a real Christian is about, love, acceptance, tolerance, and forgiveness.

Blog · Essay · Political

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