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Pizza Time! (A Math Problem)

Catticus Finch begging for more pizza.

A math problem for you all (in multiple parts):

A company (Unified Sales Associates) has 1216 employees:

1000 Low Level Workers (office and factory workers, accountants, salesmen, etc).

200 Upper Level Managers (Vice Presidents and the people directly below them).

16 Top Tier Managers (President, CEO, Board of Directors).

Hiring is only done through nepotism (you can only be hired if someone you know already works for the company), and your starting position directly proportional to the position of the person you know in the company (Your Uncle Fred is a factory worker, you’re starting as a part time factory worker. My father is VP of marketing, I’m starting as assistant VP of marketing). Promotion within the company is done through similar means.

Every year, the company throws an “optional, but will reflect poorly on your end of the year review” pizza party; which everyone attends for fear of losing their job. Every year, pizza is distributed according to a combination of your rank within the company, and the amount of work you’ve done for the company that year. Previous years, the Low Level Workers have gotten pizzas ranging from personal pizzas to a small pizza, and the 16 Top Level Managers have gotten pizzas ranging from an extra large pizza to themselves, to two or three extra large pizzas to themselves. This has gotten more lopsided in recent years and this year the pizza distribution is as follows:

The 16 Top Level Managers get 1000 extra large pizzas each.

The 200 Upper Level Managers get 1 extra large pizza each.

There is a single extra large pizza to share between the 1000 Low Level Workers.

Questions:

1. How the fuck is this fair?

2. How is it possible that each of the 16 Top Level Workers are each doing 1000 times the work of their entire Low Level Workforce of 1000 workers?

3. What in the hell are they doing with all that pizza anyway? We’ve got a few Upper Level Managers that are giving away the pizza they can’t eat, most of them are taking their leftover pizza home (I dunno why they don’t give their pizza away as well) and that’s just one freaking pizza per person. Those asshats at the top have 1000 pizzas each, what the hell?

4. Could each of the 16 Top Level Managers give up 100 pizzas each to the 1000 Low Level Workers and still be satisfied in the knowledge they have more pizza than anyone could eat, and are thus still the most important people in the company and “winning at life,” whilst letting their workers actually enjoy a pizza party that their effectively being forced to attend?

5. If you’re already making $10,000,000.00 a year is it really going to hurt you that much to lose seventy cents on the dollar for every dollar you make over ten million? Even if you just stop at ten million dollars you’re already making over 175 times what the average worker makes and over 665 times what you’re paying your low level workers. Do you really do 665 times the amount of work they do? Do you magically just have days that last 16,000 hours? I mean, if you invest 2.2million dollars you can be set for life. 2.2 million in a lump sum and someone is set for life; you make at least 4.5 that amount each year. Seriously, you could set up 4 people for life every year for the rest of your life, and still have an income of 1.2million. Which is still 80 times what you’re paying your lowest level worker, and that’s if you’re not making enough money to hit that 70% tax rate. The 70% tax rate is just if you making over 10 million. How can you possible think you need more money? Like, I understand investments and what not, but seriously? Are you just buying Microsoft stock so you can demand physical shares to wipe your ass with? What the fuck dude?

Blog · Essay · Heavy Handed Parable

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