I recently had to go through my spam folder to look for a misplaced forum registration confirmation and came across a pretty startling email. The general format of the email is the person says they know my password is [some password I used in the past] and they know my secret. The mysterious person then goes on to say they installed some malware on a porn site I went to, which installed malware onto my computer, that then acted as a key-logger/remote desktop/camera control thingy. They now have a video of me masturbating (or as they put it, “doing some nasty stuff”) to an explicit video. At this point the email turns from mildly creepy to just plain rude. I’m told I have to give some ludicrous amount of money in bitcoin to them or they’ll send the video to everyone in my contact list.

I’ll admit there was an initial shock when they mentioned an actual password I’ve used before, but a quick google search assuaged my fears; coming across three more emails with identical wording (only the amount of money changed) completely buried my fears. At this point, I’m more tempted to reply to the emails instead, but I know that’ll put me on some shitty list where I’ll get exponentially more spam mail.

Instead, I’m going to reply here, and ask that everyone share this on as many social media platforms as possible, in the hopes the spammers eventually come across it.

…

Dear Obviously Fake Name,

I’m both impressed by your ingenuity and awed by your adherence to capitalistic greed over any sort of moral code.

Unfortunately, I’m going to have to ask you to be a lot more specific about which video you’re referring to; you see, I masturbate slightly more often than I eat. You mentioned me, “doing something nasty” so I’m going to rule out the ‘boredom’ sessions; unless watching someone half fall asleep to whatever was left on their porn auto-play queue is “nasty.” I’m tempted to say you got one of the ‘depression’ sessions, but I’m guessing watching someone sob to videos of people who look vaguely like their high school girlfriend in a happy and healthy relationship isn’t exactly blackmail material. You could be referring to the one time my cat walked across my chest whilst I was masturbating. If that’s the case I ask you don’t release the video for her sake. She’s very camera shy, and we’ve only just gotten her to warm up to strangers.

I also have an issue with your requested form of payment. I understand, and appreciate, the fact that bitcoin is the currency of choice for blackmail, drugs, weapons, and other illicit goods and services, but the bitcoin market fluctuates far too much for my tastes. The 7000 dollars in bit coin you ask for may only be worth 700 dollars tomorrow, and I’d hate for you to be cheated.

Allow me to make a proposal to you: I will pay you a reasonable sum of 5000 dollars, in actual physical US dollars (I assume you take cash in unmarked, non-sequential bills). In return you will turn on my camera and take a video of me masturbating to a video of Mr. Trump having sex with Mr. Pence. Sadly, you’ll have to give me a few months to find such a video (obviously they’ll be played by celebrity impersonators) and to change my mindset enough that I can actually masturbate to it. In return for your patience, I promise to use no less than four of the following items: a sybian, a rope, a set of handcuffs (taking proper safety precautions of course), some nipple clamps, ben-wa balls, and a ‘tool’ from baddragon.com.

Hopefully you can see the benefit of this augmented arrangement. Using this method I can be assured that the blackmail material is actually worth the money I’m paying, and you can rest easy knowing the value of your hush payment won’t suddenly plummet in value shortly after I’ve wired it to you. If you find this acceptable please reply with a date and time at least three months out from when you receive this message.

Eagerly Awaiting Your Reply,

Person With More Money Than Sense.